Home Potty Sitting

I'm a Christian. I know why I'm here...to glorify my God. But, you know, we humans, despite being created in the image of God, can really make life difficult on ourselves. And someone like me, who can be a bit obnoxious, values every bit of advice that might make life a little more pleasant...especially when it's something really easy to do. To that end, I'd like to make a suggestion to all of you males out there who feel the same way.

Let me preface this suggestion by assuring you that my sense of masculinity is completely in tact and that any temptation on your part to feel threatened is as a result of cultural misdirection, and the lack of directions on your potty.

Here is the suggestion: always sit, never, ever stand to pee at your home toilet. Now this only applies to males who share living quarters with females. Bachelors, you may continue to make all the mess you want. The benefits of such a habit are obvious. The women in our lives will have two fewer things to hassle us about. Those two things are (1) "[Insert your name here], you'd peed on the seat!" and (2) "[Insert your name here], you left the toilet seat up!" Again, both of these are avoided when the "always sit" rule is observed. Can you think of any other area of home life that has so irritated the women of the world that they wrote a poem about it..."if you sprinkle when you tinkle be a sweetie and wipe the seaty."

Of course, the back door to this entire subject is the urinal. If you're one of the lucky few men who have a urinal installed at home then you can completely circumvent this entire subject. Such a man is Tom K. of Matagorda, Texas who is a friend of mine who added a urinal to the back of his garage where he maintains his workshop. Now that's what I'm talkin' about.

Before Jesus came to me one night and set my head straight on this issue I tried to fight it. It was difficult to fight the peeing on the seat argument but even today I still maintain that there are serious logic problems with women-kind's insistence that men leave the seat in the down position. Putting all chivalry aside and letting my true clod nature shine, why is it that the great roulette wheel of life landed on "seat down" as the default position for a toilet? Surely you have to admit that "seat up" is just as valid? The complaint about accidentally sitting down on the toilet when the seat is up is compelling but the argument just doesn't have any follow-through. I have to admit that this has actually happened to me, once, but not since I learned of the urban myth about snakes laying in wait at the bottom of your potty to bite your bum. I never sit on a potty without knowing what's already in it. If women all around the world were as vigilant as I about pre-potty inspections then there would be no need for the "seat down" rule.

To add to the hypocracy of these arbitrary rules, not that it makes any difference, the truth is that there is no guarantee that using the facilities will be a clean process for either males or females. I've never seen anyone get more pee on the floor than my almost-potty-trained daughter, that is, except for the incredibly drunk Texas Ranger's fan that I saw pee in every non-potty corner of the general admissions bathroom at the Ball Park at Arlington. Despite the fact that most women's public bathrooms are ten times more disgusting that men's, it seems that men have caught most of the blame for tinkle sprinkle problem plaguing our society. You doubt my claim, do you? Just ask ten random women if they've ever hovered over a public toilet...then ask them how successful they were in hitting their target? I rest my case.

Man's ability to urinate standing should be filed in the very full filing cabinet labeled "Just Because You Can Doesn't Mean You Should" along with other prominent files such as Hot Pepper Eating Contests, Nipple Piercing, and Fire Walking. After being on the receiving end of more than thirty years of hypocritical nagging I've caved. I've now fully embraced home potty sitting.